Let’s talk about something I’ve learned (and seen others learn the hard way) in business—and honestly, in life:

When a disagreement happens—whether it’s a heated conversation, a falling out, or just a weird tension—don’t send the long, emotional email explaining yourself.

It’s tempting, I know.

We all want to feel understood. When something doesn’t sit right, or you feel misjudged, it’s natural to want to lay it all out—every thought, every feeling, every “just so you know” sentence. Especially when you feel like you’ve been fair, or you’re hurting, or you want to “clear the air.”

But here’s the truth: people don’t read emails from a neutral place.

They read them through the lens of whatever they’re feeling.

If they’re hurt, they read it defensively.

If they’re angry, they look for confirmation that they’re right to be angry.

If they feel betrayed or dismissed, every word feels like a dig—even when it’s not meant to be.

And suddenly, your thoughtful, heart-on-your-sleeve explanation becomes fuel for more misunderstanding, more resentment, more division.

What I've Seen (and Done)

I’ve had employees and colleagues write these long emails. I’ve read every word—and I’ve seen how even well-meaning explanations make things worse. Why? Because I wasn’t in a place to receive it. I was in a place to react to it.

And I’ve done it too—years ago. Thought I was being professional, clear, and calm. But the person on the other end? They didn’t hear that version of me. They read it through their own storm, and it only deepened the divide.

That’s when I learned this lesson: email is a terrible place for resolution.

What To Do Instead

1. Wait. Give it 24 hours (at least). Let the dust settle emotionally. Time gives clarity.

2. Talk it out—if it makes sense. Sometimes the best move is no move at all. But when the relationship matters, pick up the phone or talk in person. You can read tone. You can respond in real-time. You can soften tension with a breath, a pause, even a little humor.

3. If you must write, write for yourself first. Get it all out in a journal or a document you never send. You’ll feel better just expressing it, and often that’s all you really needed.

4. Return with curiosity, not explanation. If a conversation is needed, come back with questions, not justifications. “Can we talk through what happened?” goes so much further than “Here’s what you need to understand about my side.”

Especially in Work Relationships

In personal relationships, emotions have more space. But in work settings? Those emails linger. They get forwarded. They become a record of something that maybe should’ve just passed.

As a leader, I’ve learned that part of holding your calm is knowing when to hold back. Clarity comes with time, not urgency.

So next time your fingers hover over the keyboard, drafting the perfect post-conflict email—don’t hit send.
Close the tab. Go for a walk. Breathe.

Real resolution doesn’t come from your outbox. It comes from your presence.